I’ve been reading a lot of whiny comments and emails lately.
And I get it. I empathize with you.
There are many guys out there frustrated with their lack lustre dating life, health or professional life. Maybe you’re not getting enough dates, or earning enough money and you just can’t figure out what mysterious block is holding you back.
In fact, there are many of you, frustrated with any combination of things in your life. And that is fine because I’m great at listening to someone who is stuck in a rut.
Listen I’m not perfect either. I complain about things too. I do it just not all too regularly. Some recent examples of things I recently have complained about include:
How damn expensive cashew nuts and almonds are
The polluted air in the city where I’m living
The small size of seats on budget airlines
This is all good and it’s normal to vent.
However I’ve seen a huge shift in the past few years. I’ve seen it slowly creep into our minds like a slow spreading bacteria consuming and growing. The name of this vile problem?
I call it the over-entitlement disease
It’s a shift away from feeling like we need to create value to just thinking that we deserve whatever we think about.
It sounds bizarre and surreal. But I’m almost sure you’re a part of it in some way.
Before I go into both the negative and positives behind entitlement. Let’s start by defining it.
- the fact of having a right to something.
I’m not stating that feeling or being entitled to something is a negative. It’s only when your entitlement cup has spilleth over is it an issue.
For example, I meet many men, whose poor lack of self esteem drives their lack of entitlement when it comes to dating a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman. Because this man (perhaps you?) views themselves in a negative light, they assume that if they were to start up a conversation with that gorgeous girl sitting opposite them at Starbucks she would shoot him down. Chances are she’s just a normal girl with her insecurities like him. His lack of entitlement around this calibre of woman creates perpetuating cycles of thought:
“I’m not good looking enough”
“I’m too short”
“I’m too asian”
“She won’t like me”
This is self sabotage through lack of entitlement. This is what happens when your entitlement cup is empty. This paradigm extends to all reaches of your life and if you’re not careful can cost you big time. It literally happens all the time in business, health and wellbeing and of course dating.
I believe there is an thermostat within each of your core life areas that helps regulate what you get in your life. This thermostat is regulated by your self image, self esteem and self awareness. This dictates your level of entitlement in any given area.
You don’t get what you want in life, you get what you are.
That is why we hear about the tragic story of a lottery winner who obliterates their fortune. Someone who wins a hundred million dollars and within the span of a few years is back broke and in more debt than when he or she first won. That’s because their thermostat is set at ‘broke’. Unless they change their belief system around what they think they are entitled to financially they will be sitting at ‘broke’ no matter what their income is. They will always find a way to spend the money they get until they reached their level of entitled income.
So the ‘non-evil’ entitlement is just a deep knowing that you deserve something. Whether that is a beautiful girlfriend, a million dollars or just to be fit and healthy. We realize without this belief, we’re screwed. However too much of it, and you’re equally as screwed.
How has something so positive, such as entitlement turned in a nasty virus affecting our everyday world?
Ultimately entitlement is still just a belief. Entitlement becomes a problem when people think they deserve something just by virtue of thinking it without incessantly providing or creating value for other stakeholders.
I see the entitled ‘average joe’ office worker believing that he deserves a promotion just because he is friends with the boss and shows up on time to work everyday. Despite the fact he does not over deliver on value.
I see a ‘normal’ guy, believing he deserves to be with his perfect 10 just because he has friends and is somewhat social but has never sought out feedback or improvement. He certainly has never aimed to give value to the women he meets but rather thinks about getting their numbers, taking them out just so he can show her off to his mates.
I see men and women who believe they deserve to have their perfect bodies just because they consume a daily whey protein shake and follow some fitness gurus on instagram.
People have taken out entitlement out of the equation
Entitlement + Give Value = Results
And created a new one
Entitlement = Results
Entitlement has become a disease. Almost a form of delusion. I’ve seen a huge shift in comments and emails that have come into my email box stating that life is just so unfair for one reason or another.
A lot of comments come in the form of:
“I wish women would just approach men. I’m sick of having to put work into my social skills and confidence. Why are men always at fault. Women do wrong things too. They go for all the bad boys and leave all us nice guys alone. If they only knew what I could bring to their world. It’s not just fair”
That would be a wonderful world. I wish gorgeous women would just start conversations with us every day and we didn’t need to cultivate a strong sense of character and identity. I wish we didn’t need confidence, charisma or to challenge our fears. I wish learning social skills was part of our DNA so that it’s all automatic and my job as an encourager and developer of dating and social prowess was eradicated. I genuinely wish that was the case.
But that’s simply not the case.
That is not the world we live in.
And if you don’t accept that you will never get the results you want in your life because you’ll be in a dark corner somewhere moaning to yourself about all the injustices in the world. Instead you could be out living with your dream girlfriend or wife, building your empire. Instead of reflecting, complaining and projecting all of that negativity introspectively, you need to shift from the whiny man-boy to that of a fully fledged value creating man.
An attractive man shoulders responsibility for his life, he is also entitled yet he makes sure he is creating value for other people.
This is the remedy for those people for who suddenly realize they whine way more than take action.
The remedy for over-entitlement is go out there and put out ridiculous amounts of value. Shifting from entitlement to value creation. Value creation is the ‘nothing is given to me’ mentality. I need to go out there and produce 10x more value than someone in my position and then coupled with a healthy dose of entitlement, the results will unfold as bi-product.
With this new mindset in hand. Let’s go back to our example in dating. If he internalizes the value creation ideology suddenly;
He would be approaching 10x more women, going to 10x more dating events and social events and being 10x more persistent. He would look for his own blindspots and weaknesses and lose his ego about always needing to be approached by women. He would know that ‘nothing is a given’ and occasionally a woman might approach him, but if he wants something to happen. The responsibility with him.
To add to that, he would switch from taking value: “I deserve her number, she belongs to me, I deserve to date her” to that of giving and creating value for her. “I’ll initiate a conversation perhaps with a compliment or another form of giving and if she isn’t interested that’s ok and has no reflection on me”
His aim is to bring 10x more fun, positivity, intelligence &10x more of a value filled, non-leachy experience to every single woman he comes into contact with. That’s the difference between someone who is a value creator and someone who is overly entitled.
That same idea can be translated into every aspect of your life. If you’re looking to have big business success you have to look at the level of value you’re creating for the stakeholders in your business. I remember a client once telling me that one of his millionaire clients had just made over 200 milllion pounds and the client was complaining about paying him his 20,000 pounds a month retainer. Again, this reeked of over entitlement. It didn’t matter how much his client had. It’s still his responsibility to over deliver on the value he offers.
The value that you give someone isn’t necessarily physical either. Giving a girl flowers or chocolates isn’t creating romantic value, it’s the opposite. You’re trying to pay for their affection whilst expecting something in return.
My ending challenge to you is to examine each area of your life and determine where these over entitled blind spots are. Check your thermostat to see where you entitlement cup is empty and where it is perhaps a little too full. Approach each area with strategic action and an aim to create value and I’m sure you’ll find yourselves being just a little less whiny.
Thanks for reading and make sure you jump on the mailing list to get more.
You can also watch my quick video rant on entitlement here: