What do women want?
That’s quite a question for you to ask.
I feel like this is a question that we all have an opinion on but how many people are actually qualified to give an answer that makes sense?
Many books have tried to dig deep into this topic of what women want. Some have done well, others have failed.
Having spent the last decade of my life trying to understand women, dating women and coaching men on this exact topic – I’m going to try to pull the curtain back and help you as best as I can understand what women want.
Just to warn you, I’m not here to lie to you to make things sound easy. I just want to help you with honest & real advice even if it is the harder pill for you to swallow.
Look, I wasn’t always the guy that dated beautiful women. I was clueless and clumsy and bought way too deeply into this social conditioned narrative that it would just ‘happen’ for me. I would just one day stumble upon the perfect woman for me….
And it was definitely a long and painful journey to get where I am today, but I can honestly say with quite some confidence that I am attractive to women (a lot of them).
If this article helps you short cut your journey and avoid some of the painful errors I made and get some success, then I’ll be happy!
Anyway, all that aside, what do women want?
First of all I think it’s important to acknowledge that all women aren’t inherently the same. And at different stages of their life they’re going to want something different from the men they meet in their lives. Contrary to popular belief, women are completely down for one night stands and are as sex-thirsty and lustful as men (if not more). Likewise some women will want to be in a relationship and will despise anything that is just purely sexual. So before you ask the question ” What do women want” ask yourself “What exactly do I want?”
As Socrates said: “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.”
If we’re asking what general traits do women want in a long-term partner or one-night-kinda-guy. The better question to ask is..
What do all women want in a man? Now we’re getting somewhere.
Because after coaching 100’s of men, one on one from all over the world. I’ve definitely seen some patterns.
It’s important to note that most women struggle to articulate what it is that they want in a man. Because despite what she says she wants verbally and logically, somehow if you look at her past dating history she may go for the complete opposite type of guy!
“I like a nice guy”
“I want the bad boy”
“I like a funny guy”
I’m sure we’ve all heard these quotes in Romantic Comedies, advice from your female friends or even from one of those glossy magazines.
It just doesn’t add up. I’m here to make sense of all the confusion and lay out some clear cut ideas that will make you attractive to women. These universally desired traits can be cultivated and will take you from being ‘average’ to excelling with women. That doesn’t mean it’ll happen overnight but if you apply yourself over the long term you can get drastic results, shocking even.
Here are my top 4 most important traits you can cultivate. These are universally desired by women.
Mission (Self Sufficient & Adventurous)
Women are drawn to men who have some greater purpose in life beyond themselves. I love the quote “You can’t polish a turd”. It’s stupid but there is truth to it.
If your life sucks, don’t expect to be the guy who learns one or two conversational ‘hacks’ and then be able to attract high calibre women.
They see straight through that as do most people. That’s why you must become a man who is purposeful..
A man that is on his purpose is ambitious. This absolutely doesn’t mean you have to be the full package right now and be a high flying CEO or millionaire. All that she is asking is that you are passionate about your life and have a sense of direction. I wouldn’t say that is too much to ask.
The thing that makes a purposeful man attractive is the fact he is non-needy. Mark Manson described neediness as the attraction killer and I would have to agree with him. If you don’t have purpose, and you’re twiddling your thumbs not knowing what to do with your life, it just isn’t attractive.
The moment you build a connection with her you’ll get needy and obsessed and send her too many text and confess your undying life for her too soon.
Feel like you’re lacking purpose? Here is an article that might help you figure out exactly what exactly your purpose is.
Purpose is also about cultivating challenge in your life. Your masculine edge is what women are going to be drawn to. Also, don’t be the guy who loses this if you do meet a woman and get into a relationship with. She fell for you for a reason, don’t get all pudgy and soft. Keep working at it.
When it comes to your masculine edge…
Most guys have a butter knife at best, we want you to develop a RAZOR sharp rambo-esque masculine edge.
You do this through austerity and challenge. Cut out the bullshit in your life that makes you soft. Watch too much TV? Stop. Eat too much sugar and junk food? Stop. Spend too much time on social media? Cut it out. You get the point. To be at your best you have to be like a starved lion who is sharpened by his environment. Women immediately sense this edge from you. Michael Jordan’s old coach Tim Grover called this the dark side. I love that idea and I believe that’s why we all resonate with savage element of baddies in movies, guys like Bane from Batman because the absolute dominance they have of their purpose/principles in their life!
Challenge yourself! Get purposeful with your life!
- What’s your biggest missions/goals outside of relationships?
- Name 3 things you’re going to strip from your life to challenge yourself more
Strength (To Make Her Feel Secure, Confidence)
Own your fear, and lean just beyond it. In every aspect of your life. Starting now.
You need internal strength because she needs you to be reliable when things are externally turbulent. Internal strength allows her to feel secure in your presence. It allows her to let go and realise that when she is with you, she is safe.
Being internally strong does not mean not being afraid. It is completely ok to be afraid but it is about pursuing things in spite of fear. This ties in well to the purposefulness trait we outlined above. If something in your life scares you, do it. If you’re scared of public speaking sign yourself up for toastmasters and do talks every week for three months. Scared of physical confrontation, sign up for brazilian jiu-jitsu for three months (better yet a lifetime).
Strength is also about being honest. Being honest with yourself is hard, identifying where you fall short and where you are good – it takes a special person to do that. If you can learn to be honest with yourself, that honesty translates through to your communication with women.
If you are not honest with her, she’s going to sense something’s wrong or feel unsafe.
In my life as a coach I try to be observant throughout to spot patterns. As you can imagine I meet many guys and women through what I do. I’ve noticed a very clear pattern in a lot of male behaviour: Their behaviour is erratic, they seem weak and opportunistic and approach the majority of women in a snakey, manipulative way. This is NEVER going to build the trust to establish a short or long term relationship with you. They become orbiters instead of being honest about their intentions. We all know a guy who is an orbiter, he is friends with a beautiful woman who he deep down inside wants to be with and is hoping that one day he gets his chance. She however thinks they’re just friends!
Back to your strength…
You also need external strength.
All women love a man that is stronger than her.
She wants you to lift her up, spin her around, to pin her down and tickle her when you play fight. She often also wants to be pinned down (consensually) in other ways, if you know what I’m saying (wink wink)
Seriously though, physical strength also allows you to be strong enough to defend her if she was under attack. That sounds strange but women are evolutionarily wired to want certain traits and as horrible as this sounds, she doesn’t want you to be a pansy. If you go to the gym three days a week and eat healthy 80% of the time you are already going to be ahead of most guys.
She is wired to respond this way and for good reason. If we go back thousands of years you’ll notice that signs of strength such as confidence, determination and purpose (see above) meant that if he was to go out hunting or to war he would return.
This is important as it means if they are going to have children the man will return and physically support the family. This is a huge topic but she looks at your internal strength as much much much more important than the physical.
This is all happening on a subconscious level. She doesn’t have a set of checkboxes; if you get your ass in gear and start working on these things, women will automatically be attracted to you with NO additional effort.
- What does strength mean to you?
- How would you cultivate more strength in your life?
- On a scale of 1-10 what would you rate your physical condition
Vulnerability ( Emotional Connection That Goes Beyond The Physical, Deep Intimacy,kindness, patience, understanding, empathy, and compassion)
Now all the macho stuff is out the way.
A woman also needs to experience a deeper than physical connection with you. If you pretend that you are impervious to that she probably won’t see you as special beyond the physical.
You don’t need to share every nook and cranny of your insides with her though, you can still maintain sovereignty within yourself. But if you hide any sign of internal flaws or weaknesses within yourself, I would say you are insecure and when you make decisions based on insecurity you are not opening yourself up to deep connection.
Let’s say she wants to connect with you..
So she opens up, she shares an idea with you that could be construed as vulnerable.
Maybe she shared her dream job or her big aim in life.
Maybe she told you her biggest passion is working at a dog shelter.
Maybe she told you she was insecure about her voice.
That’s your opportunity to open up with her as well and show her that you value her sharing those things, then go ahead and share something yourself. You create an unspoken bond between you and her that begins to separate yourself from other people.
This is very important to women, in the long run. A quick sexual encounter might not necessarily need a deep connection but any relationship with longevity requires deeper and deeper levels of intimacy and connection with each other.
Vulnerability is also not about being a coward and cowering away…,remember we mentioned that snakey behaviour that seems so popular among guys today?
Well vulnerability means being honest as well! It means that if she says something you disagree with. You call her out on it. If she’s said something that rubs you the wrong way or goes against your values, you be honest with her about it EVEN if that means you lose her because of it. That is the true power of vulnerability it builds connection through truth and honestly expression of your values.
- Are you secretly insecure about sharing vulnerabilities?
- Write down 3 things that you will share on your next date/conversation with your girlfriend.
Maturity (Self-sufficiency and also taking responsibility)
A great idea in NLP that I love is : Maturity doesn’t depend on age but the propensity for you to accept responsibility for decisions in your life.
Women want this in a man.
They want the man who takes responsibility for his life and doesn’t look at things in isolation.
He doesn’t view himself as a victim of circumstance. “He said, she said that”
You need to take responsibility for where you are and understand that you are responsible for your own destiny.
I heard this from a client once “ I wish women approached me, why do guys have to do all the work”
That’s certainly one way at looking at it, but does that truly empower you? By taking full responsibility you are much more empowered and have full ownership of the process. My mindset has always been:
“I’d much rather have to approach women, get rejected because at least it’s within my control”. I’d hate to feel like I have to sit back and wait in my life for someone to sweep me off my feet.
I get it, rejection and failure is scary but another great presupposition (mindset) that you can adopt from NLP is that Your past does not equal your future.
You have to learn how to be self sufficient and take responsibility for your actions in your life. When you make decisions stick to them. If you decide to commit to a girlfriend then do so 100% honestly. Do it for your own internal compass and integrity. Make decisions and stick to them.
If you decide that you want to be CEO of a company and you want to do it. Then lay out a plan and stick to it like your life depended on it. This level of maturity is what women truly deeply want. Those who make decisions, who do not view themselves as a victim of circumstance and who assume full responsibility for themselves.
- Where could you be more mature in your life?
- Are you fully taking responsibility for your life?
- If you look at your life – are you truly, deeply happy with the man you are? (be honest)
Attraction is not a logical process it is an emotional one. So if a woman falls for you, she may like the fact you work in IT because it makes you smart, or that you wear glasses because it makes you sophisticated, or you have a PUG because it’s endearing. These are opinions she actually forms AFTER that emotional pull towards you.
This is one of the most important points I have come across in the dating world; that if you are a guy that has all the purposefulness, strength & vulnerability then your body language will communicate these things to her. She’ll feel aroused and happy in your presence and therefore will want more of you. Then she’ll decide AFTER THE FACT that she likes things about you. She may have even said “I’ll never date a guy with glasses” or “IT guys are sooo boring”. Her mind may have changed because of the emotions she feels around you. How do you get her to feel those things? Through the way you communicate them with her, mostly subtle sub communicated bits of body language.
Now you can fake the body language to a degree but wouldn’t it be better to have a badass life?
So this brings me onto humour.
Humour has the power to sub communicate so many awesome things about you; it taps into the potential emotional connection between you.
Humour comes in many shapes and forms. The three obvious ones are
Telling a humorous anecdote or story
Teasing or Challenging Her
Self Deprecating Humour.
Let’s think for a second about why these are so powerful and demonstrate that you are an attractive man.
- If you can tell a good story, it demonstrates social awareness; you understand why things are ironic, you understand social nuances and generally you are part of a social circle and can see things from a birds eye view.
- If you tease or challenge her in a funny way, especially gorgeous women may not be used to this in their everyday lives. Mostly they will go through life with guys being a bit too enthusiastic to help them but secretly wanting to sleep with them. Don’t be that guy, be the banterous chap like you are when around your buddies. You don’t take crap from them so why would you from her. Again this level of honesty is highly attractive and unusual for most women.
- High value guys don’t just tell stories or tease women though. In fact doing that without being self deprecating means you could just come across as an asshole. The self deprecating part is important because it means that you don’t take yourself too seriously and you can laugh at yourself. It means that you don’t have a fragile ego and can take a joke even when you are the butt of it.
- Are you focusing too logically on attracting women with things (job, money, car)?
- Could you relax a little bit and enjoy the process of dating more? If so how
- When was the last time you made a woman laugh?
I can already hear the critics:
“But there’s more Michael! I know there’s more, I read this article that said she wants a man with <insert trait/physical quality>”
Yes she does want more, don’t you? Don’t you want it all in a woman?
Just to summarise the key things women want in a man are:
The last point I want to make is that truly feminine women of the highest calibre will test you. They will challenge your manhood, sometimes this presents itself in the form of bitchiness, playfulness or even arguments. This doesn’t just go for when you meet a woman for the first time either. This goes for short & long term relationships.
The quote: “Behind every great man there is a woman”. While feminists may bend this quote to distort its meaning, I truly believe with the right woman at your side you can elevate your own success and purpose/mission in life. They challenge you and point out your deepest flaws, they point out when you are not giving your best to the world. When a guy gets into a relationship and he makes her the purpose/mission of his life, it will ignite the masculine core within her so she seeks purpose, she will also be deterred and repulsed by your clinginess. (see above: “Neediness is the attraction killer”).
So always seek to challenge yourself in life as a man because true fulfilment isn’t about being content or happy where you are. True fulfilment is about knowing you are progressing.
This article may sound intimidating and may cause you to re-evaluate a lot of your life. Try to go through each of those subsections and do the actionable items/questions.
Anyone who follows my material or ideas know that I detest the quick fix solution as most quick fixes are a pathway to quick failure, demotivation and can destroy self esteem.
So coming back to the question “ What Women Want In A Man”. Yes, they want it all but you should want it all too, for yourself.
Any questions or comments, feel free to reach out to me and we can discuss it over a free consultation.
We also run coaching programs to help you become step by step the man that dominates his place in the world.
Michael is one of the world’s leading dating coaches having transformed thousands of people from across the globe. He has been featured in some of the biggest publications and media outlets including Mens Health, Sky News, The Independent & BBC. He is also host to the groundbreaking podcast – Who Is Going To Stop Me